you're like a bully in the Christmas story
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
