this beer tastes like vomit already
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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