How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
