It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I want a musical about memes.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
