you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
