Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
