...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
