Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
