You're my little dorito
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
