ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
