you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
