its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
