My brain says no but my pants say off.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
