He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
