then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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