You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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