i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
