shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
