You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
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