maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
