I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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