I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I'm bleeding and have questions
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
