remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
