im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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