It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
