someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
