He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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