I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
