Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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