I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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