my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
