Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
