All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Randomize
