if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
