An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Randomize
