I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
