when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
