Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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