So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
