don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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