I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i was born a porn star she said
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
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