I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
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