I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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