Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
