Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?