Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
