so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
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I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
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i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.