Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want