I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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