On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
