i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
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I need you to use more vowels.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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