i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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