I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
