I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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