Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
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