Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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