I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Enjoy the penises
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
