Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
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