I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
