craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
